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Old 10-26-2016, 04:22 AM
Renee M's Avatar
Renee M Renee M is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 1,472
Default Funnies to start your morning

These are old, but still funny. I hope you enjoy them.





One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....


_____________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have s*x?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

______________________________ __


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

______________________________ _


My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"Wow!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Lots of dust."

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

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My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's near perfect."

That's when the fight began . . .

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I rear-ended a car this morning . . .

the start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started...
__________________
Even so, Come Lord Jesus,
Renee M


Luke 21:36 "Watch ye therefore, and pray always, that ye may be accounted worthy to escape all these things that shall come to pass, and to stand before the Son of man."

We will either dwell in the secret place of the Most High or our flesh will make us want to hide things in secret. -- Nathan Leal
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  #2  
Old 10-26-2016, 03:57 PM
Greek Girl's Avatar
Greek Girl Greek Girl is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,340
Default Funny!

These are so funny! I laughed out loud a few times. Thanks for sharing!


Greek Girl
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